I agree with Roscoe, and Im a woman in her 30s. But 5 year olds are not great at understanding the difference between the two terms, so we got called by each others honorifics about half the time. So suddenly the term is no longer offensive if the person is older then you? Theres a tone of voice in which the OPs line could feel snarky or rude. Thats your choice. Im not complaining, its Allisons blog she can do whatever, Im just expressing confusion. It might work to your advantage. His supervisor reassigned the account, which was fairly lucrative, so his commissions were down for a few months until he could build up business with new clients. The first time someone younger than I am calls me young lady you can bet Im going to be wondering if that also means I get to retire soon. Theres alsowellas someone who was working retail recentlyif you dont know someone and certainly dont know their name, such as a customer, what do you call them to get their attention? It doesnt have judgement youre adding that in, as your choice of analogous wording indicates. This lead to several situations where up to 6 young men of ages 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 and 60 stood next to each other and I had no idea who they actually meant :P. I freaking hate, hate, hate this, almost as much as I hate Miss. I am a grown ass woman, I know how old I am, and while like the OP I dont look like death warmed over or anything, it is quite apparent that I am not a young lady something which should stop being said to young *women* by they time they reach 18 or so. Yep, its pretty clearly, I assume all people (especially women) are desperate to cling to the appearance of youth, so even though you do not look like a college student, Ill pretend you do. Its weird and uncomfortable. I cant even figure out why this is here instead on Miss Manners. Or vice-versa (a head of short hair turns around and she has breasts and/or lipstick). This situation is really not a big deal let it go and let the person do their work. Thought my head was going to explode. Ive lived in the Deep South for a very long time, and only 2 men have referred to me as young lady. Im in my late 30s, so I still get legitimately addressed as young lady by older men and its still gross! So, if they dont care about communicating with you, then they dont like you that much. As frustrating and patronizing as this can be sometimes, I also try to keep in mind that no one is *trying* to offend me, which I can usually identify via their tone. Me too. Clifton Kopp Young fella is a much better equivalent. Even I have to agree with you on this one! They glance at you, blink, and look away. It seems perfectly respectful to me. Just how rude does a waiter have to be for them not to get a tip? She is unable to do much for herself physically. Thats what I usually get called in stores! On the one hand I agree with you that Young Lady is not a normal greeting and has some weird connotations. If it suddenly feels like youre looking in a mirror when you are talking to them, theres a good chance that they like you. If its the case that they call others boo, you can choose to ignore it. People crumbled in her presenceI think it was the Scarlett OHara brows. I admit young man might be a bit much, unless it was from some in their 70s. But they do like you, even if it is as a friend. In retail, maam and sir mean Youre the customer, and my boss will yell at me if Im not polite to you, and this is how I was trained. And nothing more. Those things you dont want customer service representatives to call you: Are any of them based on your age or your gender? For another hour. Will add to the list! The business type seated next to me asked so are you a career girl. I said why yes, yes I am, are you a career boy? jaw dropped. If she wants to sleep in and skip breakfast, she gets to do that. For one thing, customers often wanted to have that leverage. I really hope the poor guy did something else that merited that because that is an awful and terribly mean overreaction. It wouldnt help one bit, but I want to say it. She could have well as said, What ageist malarky! This works in some cultures, but not others. I was raised to believe that I can talk down to certain types of people, and they dont get any say in it.. Why cant they just say, How can I help you today, sir/maam? This accomplishes the goal of being polite without being weird! I do not miss working retail. If I were a store manager, shed be on a list, and Id try to prevent my staff from interacting with her. If your crush touches you frequently and shows open body language, they might be trying to give you subtle hints. Its also only a term Ive ever heard men use, at least socially. Weve finally started speaking up about things that have always been offensive, but marginalized groups have been unable to say things about them until now. We all may be offending people even with comment such as, They wouldnt dare to speak to a man like that. I live in a city now surrounded by white collar people so I just deal with it because theyre being polite according to their own culture. If you dont like what Alison puts up on her free-to-you website, you are completely free to go somewhere else to read. Coming here to say the same thing. Do you know the most sinking feeling you can have? None of tthe terms you listed are terms of pure endearment. I keep forgetting to change my name to OG Karyn when I post, so I apologize if people think my comment about working at the makeup store was from you! So I wouldnt go so far as to say its now a universal neutral. Shes just pointing out that their sales line doesnt work. Its an odd letter to run when surely there is a large backlog of questions in the inbox. After all, a trustworthy person is a dependable and likable person. And person B can do several things. The thing is, # years old is how we say someones age in English. :D If that helps But lots of people subtly and directly both pushing back can.). If you use sir/maam, someone will object to it. gosh. Ive noticed it too my mother and I were out to lunch recently (Im 50 and shes 71) and the waiter (who looked to be in his mid 20s) said something like what can I get you girls today? GIRLS?!?!?!?! Ethnic slurs used to be household words we had to erase too. Language evolves, and for a lot of people guys just means any group of humans, even if it didnt in the past. [Read:30 sneaky ways to tell if someone likes you without asking them]. @Countess Boochie Flagrante I really dont see how its like that at allits quite a leap for you to assume Im telling service workers to swear at customers. You live happily ever after! You could phrase your questions this way: If you like the endearment, you can encourage them to keep calling you that. Otherwise, they might just be feeling silly for asking at all or feeling nervous about getting attitude back. I highly suspect its more likely to be customer service training than parents. It was just that women didnt have the power to say or do anything about their degradation for most of human history. We all fully understand that this can be a common conversation trope in certain regions. Dont worry, Yankees are just as stigmatized in the South than Southerners are in the Northeast. Hed apologize every time I corrected him but then do it again a few minutes later. In the red shirt!, Oh please lets start referring to people as Honored Customer.. It doesnt actually come across as a compliment.. But here Im not having it with a person bagging my groceries Im opening it with the OP of this thread, (Mr) Cajun2core. Okay I love that and hope I remember to use it someday. It always feels so patronizing and too familiar. I mean, its fine to not like it I dont like being called maam and usually joke about it with whomever did but I just the level of animosity here about it seems more directed at the sexism understood with it rather than the phrase. They will reach out and touch your arm or hand. You could try to change their mind, but it probably wont work. Saturday will be my 17th year turning 39its a joke initiated by me based on the old Jack Benny joke. I intend to keep my name ifI get married, and it has never occurred to me to think about the Mrs/Ms piece of it. Not in a to complain about this person to get them in trouble but as a hey, you might not realize this but your staff are addressing people like this, and its pretty condescending. Using f-bombs will just end up with you in a tales from customer service story. My experience is the opposite but I cant understand how people who wouldnt hear Excuse me, you left your bag! I do think a fair number of people are raised to think Ms/Miss are disrespectful to married women. That being said, the OP was chastising someone she supervises, which is absolutely her prerogative and Im with her on the over-the-top obnoxiousness of young lady., This. Ugh. Others who are 40 years younger or more than this man call him young man. First of all, not that it matters, Im not married. So, if they are taking a long time to get back to you, then they are probably doing it on purpose. Once you start swearing at someone for an innocent meaning comment, even if you dont like it, that makes you the asshole. You dont get the luxury of walking away, because they can easily complain and get you in serious trouble. Being called young lady is definitely sexist and ageist, but expecting an old grandfather who has used this phrase for most of his life is unreasonable. So why do we get ignored and patronized all.the.time. If you want your crush to like you, then you need to grab his attention like a Hollywood screenwriter would. I think the point of benevolent sexism is that you can actually perpetuate attitudes that harm people, even if you dont mean to harm or offend anyone. Taking away someones wages (which is what tips are in the restaurant industry) for something management probably encourages them to do is not okay and people who do this should rethink what theyre doing. What Does It Mean/What to Do? Ah yes, the word that could slice. This person did not seem to have any ill intentions. This makes me feel so icky. And not just customer service, but people like airport security or passport control, where you feel like if you make a stink, itll create problems. In fact, try to put those thoughts out of your mind altogether when you're talking to your crush. None were to be found. And I take it for what it is, a random, casual greeting that a complete stranger who knows and cares nothing about you likely says hundreds of times a day. Excuse me hello can I help you, youve dropped your glove doesnt have the same ring when youre trying to get someones attention. If my students all decided to call me Hon or Dude, that would warrant a response. Yeah, its a thing. But, please lets not pretend that its ok. Its not. I cringe to hear thats how I was raised tossed around. because to me, When you call me young, it makes me think you immediately notice how old a person is before you consider them as an individual, is a simple statement of a fact about the speakers opinion. I feel like in other situations people call that bullying. The few times Ive been called Miss, it seemed rude. Anonymous (30-35) So today I went to my crush's job and I was standing in line to order from him, there were some older ladies probably in their 50's in front of me and he was talking to them all polite like "what would you like to order today ma'am, have a nice day ma'am" which I thought was cute. I cant agree without being rude. Yup, people complain that calling them Maam or Sir make them feel old. In my experience, most of the people on those retail jobs dont want their spirits lifted by customers. I hate this so much! This is the whole reason we started using Ms, guys! What is the magic number that makes this necessary? or uncle/auntie. Its when you see that they enjoy your company, laugh at your jokes, and spend more time with you. In the South, we would replace Oh you dear little boy with bless your heart or even bless your pointed little head HAHA! So Id sort of get the young lady thing from the other side of the counter, in a way. it is annoying and stupid, and I am well aware I am in my mid-40s. He probably had no idea how it bothered you. Because women are *supposed to* give up their own comfort for others. Including sir or maam and others. I thought it was completely patronizing and had wished that I could respond by calling them old man, but, of course, I was not in a position where I could do so. And some of the latter arent going to say anythingtheyre just going to silently move along. But no need to berate someone because of something so innocuous. Ultimately this question, to me, seems like punching down. How Do You Like a Message on Instagram in 2023? But we can be cranky old women and shop somwhere else. They wouldnt dare speak to a man like that. Everyone else cards me, I do not look young (I never did. Then he said the young lady with the silver hair right there. And pointed to an open desk with a woman in her mid 60s who had grey hair. If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach. People say that the eyes are the window to the soul. Your crush may call you boo to see how youll react. I think I am officially a grouchy old curmudgeon at this point. all the time, that you are really just taking something completely out of context and making their day harder. I think it is super gross to call an adult woman young lady, and have gotten deeply upset myself when called things like this. Right? Its either because they couldnt care less, or they have a hint that youre trying to impress them. INSIDER spoke to Matthew Hussey, dating expert at howtogettheguy.com, about all the signals people give off when they're secretly into you and the best ways to (subtly) return the favor. Are you in the US? [Read:How to get closer to your crush with 10 strategic moves]. My favorite response is to give them a quizzical look and say no ones called me that in a very long time. By which time it will hopefully have been phased out of existence. It seems its offensive to a fair amount of people on here, but not everyone is saying that. It all seems so needlessly convoluted. So nice to see a smiling face! It was founded by Lachlan Brown in 2016. 27 reasons and how to get him to make a move, Ignoring your texts on purpose why people do it and what to do ASAP, Does he know I like him? But its long! It happened with pretty much every single question the entire time we were there, like the guy could not accept that I was the one negotiating and making the final decisions. As the social rules change (and many certainly should), customer service employees have to try to guess what they should say and will, invariably, piss someone off just by trying to be polite. Preening refers to the act of fixing oneself in different ways. See my rant many comments below. That. While it's fun to play detective, try not to ruminate too much on whether or not someone likes you. After all, you dont want to have feelings for someone who may not like you back. Not to say your way was confusing, or that customer service workers wouldnt understand it- I just think the suggested way is much more to the point and doesnt put you as much in a position for them to argue back? Yeah, my go to response (Im in my sixties!) Im in my 60s as well and I despise being called Young Lady. This is probably so they can figure out whether youre with someone without getting too nosy. If this is sincere, then please do not educate people in customer service positions, they get condescension all day and literally cant please everyone. Mx. Maybe your crush asks you to hang out and get some food with them. The stings involve sending in older looking teens to buy alcohol, and they catch people not carding. Should you be excited or worried? I was just thinking about this quote, and how it might inform a lighthearted response: Oh dear! Do you know how old I was when I learned that this is the correct form of address for a married woman who kept her own name? For example, if you are standing with your hands in your pockets, the person pining for your attention is going to stand with their hands in their pockets. If you look at and read WHY this is unnerving, the commonality has naught toi sho with why I hate it. And I wouldnt take this from someone older than I am either. And eventually it affects the stores reputation. Surely they are trying to do their jobs well. Time for my old story about the airplane trip where I was on my way to a conference at age 25 or so (so 50 years ago). This is an industry wide problem. Is there better wording I could use? That is a compliment. The way your crush responds can be very telling. There are, of course, other less popular, less colloquial ways to say it (#years of age, a woman of 80 years etc.) (calling someone miss is, to me, leaning toward to calling them young lady. Not completely, but sort of), This is very specific. Afterwards, our waiter vanished. Your crush likes you too. And thats putting it nicely. Or just use my first name!). If its obviously false flattery its not a compliment, just unnecessary focus on age. Honestly I would do this, just make a joke about it to diffuse it, not rudely lecture someone about something they never meant to offend you. Its good you published it anyway. Dramatic and harsh. Exactly. My standard response to Thats how I was raised. is, One can overcome their upbringing. Ive only said that in response to racially offensive comments, but it seems to work quickly. Store clerks calling adult women young lady may not intend to be condescending, but their intent does not automatically make the phrase not condescending. Nope, its condescending and creepy. AAAAHHHH!!!!!! This entire board is peoples opinion. Its not bad to be old. Every woman is young lady and every man is young fella. Legally in many places you should be carded regardless of how old you look. I assume thats why no one uses those words (I would hope) (braces self for comments stating that a lot of customers actually love being called babe and you never know), more women in their 60s find it a cute, if not terribly effective, attempt at being friendly, than offensive. But young lady to anyone who isnt 10 or less (and even then I think it is demeaning) is disrespectful. We were often raised to a certain set of standards and disciplines that become outdated or worse, found to be rooted in sexist or other bigotry practices. Now that English professor Miriam Kotzin has reached her sixties, she finds that people are beginning to call her "young lady" and she's none too fond of it. I think that the Miss thing is not about pretending that women are young, but its the being mistaken for Ms. which means no one assuming anything about your marital state. This wont happen with someone who also has a crush on you. Or, I guess, they can write to Ask A Manager about something that really fits better on Miss Manners, I guess. And if you are too obvious about it, then it will really turn them off. I was just thinking that or make it polite to simply not use anything in those places at all, e.g. Andthatsnot a good sign. And dont forget the sexism! CBS Having a crush can be thrilling and completely, ridiculously nerve-wracking. Because people send them to me and I find them interesting. I would greatly prefer it if people would go with the second option. I have also been carded by people who give me a sly smile and pretend to think I am 15. From someone younger? My husband also says that Southern women are able to stare in southern a certain look, that while they are smiling, can stop a man in his tracks. Now Im worried that Im being rude. You might just be helping both of you. Its better than young lady combined with checking out (and possibly commenting on) my backside. Eh, Im not proud of that last one but no ones always on their best behavior. So youve been to every part of the United States? This. It is exactly the wrong thing to call women of a certain age. Ah, shoot. But it had nothing to do with work, offices, management, etc. :(. Because everyone understands thats demeaning, bigots just think thats okay as long for certain targets. When someone wants to get to know you better and grow an emotional connection, they will share personal details of their life with you. Their job is to scan your groceries, not read each customers mind for how they prefer to be addressed. I just cant imagine being so offended by the term young lady especially if only used once and I didnt speak up about it in the moment that I would kill a good business relationship and effect someones career. If your crush is getting closer to you, they probably like you. I dont think its a good thing at all. Just asked him. It was definitely stupid but it doesnt sound like anybody was hurt, maimed, or killed in this transaction. For another, it looked to customers that the prices had gone up. But to 16 year olds I am Maam! I distinctly remember it being a cultural Thing about what age you got maam-ed as a young-ish woman. Boo is an endearment and is believed to originate from the French word beau and it was commonly used on a male admirer. I have gotten the young lady line from people my age and younger people, and the only time I grinned and bore it was when it came from the guy at the farmers market who looked to be in his 80s or 90s to him, I _was_ young! Good for you for pushing back on that. Okay dude, is Mr. Sir around to accept this double vodka rocks then?. Mouse. I think your phrase works pretty well to start a full conversation. Were also not talking a social situationwere talking a business environment, where they want the OP to give them money and has the absolute right to prefer businesses that dont present her with this problem. more hilarious than other people give you credit for. The one and only time in a job when I was confortable being called young lady was when I was working under a guy in his late 70s when I was a teenager. If they were, theyd chase you as well. If you dont like someone, youre not touching them with a 10-foot pole. Why did you publish this? Everything doesnt have to be a learning experience. He Rejected Me but Still Likes My Instagram! If not, then yeah, there are personal quirks that people feel irritated by, and yours may be one of them. Me yes maam Of course, they could like you while dating someone else, but if its paired with these other signs, then thats probably not the case. On the other hand, if they take hours and days to reply to you, that might be a sign theyre not into you. The comments toward people who dont find young lady offensive, sexist, or demeaning have, for the most part, been rather vitriolic. Nowadays, the wordboo seems to be very rampant on social media and of social media. * Assume I was American and start shouting at me for using such an American address. If your crush tells you something they normally wouldnt tell anyone (such as their secrets and embarrassing stories), it shows that you have gained their trust and you are one step closer to being their next partner. Please dont assume that you speak for me. It makes me feel like they are looking at me and seeing a child. I mean, sometimes it is, but not all the time. If youve been friends with your crush for some time and they begin calling you that, then its likely that they want a more serious relationship with you. Crap.. How sweet and bless your heart are nice ways of saying get a load of this guy. Yes, its intertwined with sexism here, but its a thing in its own right, and Im always a little bemused at how much slack it gets cut. He was 29, and my supervisor! made eye contact with you the other day) and the other half wondering if you had played it sufficiently cool around them. When we like someone, we want them to know. Maybe its different with younger people, but Ive never known anyone who both kept her name and wanted to be referred to as Mrs. Ive read as older most of my life I was the kind of teenager whod get asked if I was the teacher on the first day of school, or warned to control my children when I was at the mall with unruly friends. Its tired. whew , If for whatever reason you dont want to use a form of a address in such a language, there are still usually options to drop the pronoun entirely: Hello! Except Im not a troublesome customer. Sincerely, someone who once was lectured by a group of women for calling them you guys while acting as their waitress. Some days are more challenging than others. If so, you may be right that theyre not something people should be using. Also equating this to Maam is purely obscuring the issue. It can work both ways. Theres a difference. There were real work-related consequences. This is what I think!! But thats okay. But doing something literally offensive to someone isnt a you cant please everyone situation. Whatever the intent, it of course only emphasizes that the speaker considers my dad an old man who can be safely condescended to. Especially, if all these signs match as well. Below are some of the reasons your crush will use the term boo on you. Alas. WOW. Getting carded when purchasing alcohol is a bad example and not analogous to the type of scenario described by OP. But my classmate became a grandmother at 27 and a great grandmother before she hit 45. Ive been carded before when people genuinely did not know how old I am and carded before when people legally had to because they card everyone. Instead of just saying Ive lived in places. This time my message was on delivered for 6 days. If I did not hear it or even overhear it so often I probably would have not thought about it. So lets cut them some slack. The OP isnt their mom or their boss. But I already know what responses I would get if I protested: But I was just trying to pay you a COMPLIMENT!. It could literally be anything under the sun. Why do you think its improper to be called Mrs. Yourlastname, when youre married? Theres an element of ageism and sexism inherent in maam versus miss that Im not comfortable with. Yes, it feels very condescending which bothers me (personally) far more than it being a backhanded way of calling someone old. That could be appropriate *if* the woman was, say, under 28 years old and had accomplished a *lot* more than most people her age and the point of the introduction was this young woman is a brilliant genius who has accomplished so much in such a short time, look at her go, or something like that. In any other circumstance, youd be flattered to be called a friend, but in this case, no. Im in the middle too in that on one hand, its so culturally ingrained to some people to say these things that arguing with ONE person each time is a lot of effort. I was not offended by it and somewhat complimented by it. Its not incorrect, but (perhaps because it connotes an inferior speaking to a superior) its no longer common. So the best advice we can give is to not obsess or overanalyze it. I gave a physical therapist a hard time about young lady too. And just because your crush doesnt like you back doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with you at all. Yes, I do want to talk to you.". I kind of went, Young? At best it translates as wow, you look really old., Im sort of cringing at the idea of a parent intentionally raising their kid to call adults young lady.. Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers). You should check it, a stranger hardly calls one that. And if you use condescending when you mean offensive, then youre doing the same thing they are, using words the way you understand them, at odds with how they understand them. Then understood. You can chill on the all caps. I wouldnt be delighted with it but I also wouldnt bother to complain about it. Seriously, if you dont like being called girls you say so but if you dont, its nowhere near egregious to justify not tipping. Good sir? I would also add, It just underlines the fact that they -really- think Im old. M was my mother, is it? My grocery cashier is a lady older than me and she calls me young lady, so its like a joke. That is the point. That felt overly familiar and patronizing. Some people like to observe and not engage in social media, but most of us are active. Crap. (Id say neither is especially common, but very few are put off by it.). Fine, callow youth, could you tell me where the anti-aging pills are?. Im happy to look younger than I actually am mostly cuz I enjoy shocking people with my drivers license proof. A friend of mine who is a professor states, You can call me Dr. MyLastName or Mrs. HisLastName but dont call me Mrs. MyLastName.. I was trying to be conscious about gendered assumptions and age assumptions, but I cant say Hey, you over there with the red hat because thatsso much worse. They might literally play footsie with you under the table. That was decades ago, however, at that time it was just one more Thing that made jobs really hard sometimes. His friends make fun of him a lot around you. In the south, comments like that are very, very common small talk and responses to such comments. The most awkward thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life was someone trying to give a woman a cutesie compliment by saying you dont look old enough to be a grandmother!, The answer? If a cashier in the store called me girl or babe, Id be livid! 18 signs he knows you have a crush on him, How to get a girl to like you again after shes lost interest in you once, How to get closer to your crush with 10 strategic moves. They're ready to be impressed by you because they're building up this romantic image in their head. Maybe you are a fish swimming in the water not able to see it. I sure hope not. Your crush can call you boo if they think youre cute. This can mean using the same mannerisms and hand movements when they are talking. Blushing is a natural physical reaction that happens when you receive an unexpected compliment. Don't call me young lady! The crush might even last for years. Ive worked with the elderly in the hospital and care homes, and the women loved being call young lady or lass (and likewise, the men were called young man or lads). The fact is that while tips are wages for the purpose of taxes, places like restaurants explicitly avoid putting that information out. So. It seems to me like the most reasonable thing to do here would have been to say to the server you know, you really shouldnt call women girls and possibly mention it to a manager as something to have a wider conversation about with their staff. If youre hanging out with someone else and your crush starts acting strange, it might be because they are jealous. Heck, these days I dont even really care for being called miss. You bring up a really good point. And still, employees get caught in stings. In general, if its something a parent would call their child, its not a thing you should call a grown adult who is a stranger to you. Now we both aspire to be Miss Marple. And I actually think that yours is more likely to make the intended impression that the shorter alternative the Alison suggests. Not exactly grouchy, but not someone youd want to mess with, either! Its not fun if its the 15th time I have heard it this week. It also didnt sound like this person meant any ill will in saying that. If a boss or coworker referred to me that way now, Id get really annoyed really quickly. It gives you a chance to be honest with the person you have a crush on, and they also get the chance to admit it back to you. I like Alisons wording! The term itself indicates that its optional, and the more formal term is even more optional sounding. Yep and bear in mind in other English-speaking countries (like the UK!) After thinking a bit, I emailed him and canceled the appointment, telling him that he made me particularly uncomfortable by insisting on repeatedly referring to me by a title I told him I did not want to be called. Hmmm, some people wouldnt, but I had the ahem. I think your solution is better suited for proper client-worker relationships where you know youll be interacting for more than an hour. Its just an instinctual response for many. He may like you, and he may not, but that moniker isn't an indication of anything. Did I stop? Theres a lot of things about the South that others dont get and even more about the South that Southerners themselves cannot see. I wouldnt trust a guy who used Milady in any kind of small-talk setting either. And the ones that see them as a compliment? But youll know their secret. They are terms designed to keep women in a certain place. I went from around 105 pounds to just above 90 a weight that definitely is not healthy for my size. Were these terms followed up by being treated as if you were actually younger or inexperienced? I deal with customers all day long, from the wonderfully polite to the unbelievably sexist. I was taught it was disrespectful to call established adult women miss, just a few steps away from saying little girl. My rule of thumb is that anyone who is more than 30 years older than I am can call me young, because to them, I am. I think theres some amorphous point when That young lady over there can help you with that becomes an inappropriate phrase, because it says, I notice she is NOT young anymore. She is Ms. Herlastname, not Mrs. Yep. So hes being patronizing but tbh when dealing with the ill, soft parental tone and language is comforting to many. Ive also been asked for ID because its the establishments policy to card everyone regardless of how old/young they look. Im 98 years old! I have. Agreed. Why do people act like non-verbal communication doesnt exist? Theyre not meant to be infantalizing or patronizing at all, but instead intended to be complimentary and/or friendly/affable. Why/What to Do? I suspect they role modeled it rather than giving verbal instructions. That smile might be an uncomfortable smile that you are projecting sneakiness onto. Its ingratiating and insulting at the same time and immediately makes me think the deliverer of this line is sexist, ageist, and a narcissist. I wasnt trying to excuse the OPs situation with this story, but as others are discussing about how the alternative greetings (i.e. Using maam/sir can be pretty regional though and Id be pretty pissed if I heard someone going off on someone for using their regional dialect. Pretty much verbatim how I was introduced at my previous offices bon voyage party held in my honor. The ones who try to be all cheerful and spirit-raising are so annoying! This reply is inflammatory and nonsensical. Paul Brian My mom hates this too, along with being spoken to like a child or called __ years young. Eh, store clerks have called me maam since I was a teenager. This is a great sign that someone likes you. And theres something almost mildly flirtatious about it? Im here because I like reading what she writes. What alternatives exist in English? So when you actually were a young lady? If it really bothers the recipient this much, their response isnt any better, because they are responding as if the person meant malice or ill intent. You may be thinking, there are no signs, but oh, there are signs your crush doesnt like you or does. Having worked for a grocery store chain that was very big on being known for southern hospitality, I can say that this is quite possibly something they are trained/told to say. But in a patronizing way. It was always used to punish me what do you think youre doing, young lady? or listen, young lady, dont you know better than that?, etc. Oh, hell, no. I really like this response. in its origins, Madam(e) was for established women, married or not. Doesnt Maam mean married woman? It is no longer 1950 and Im not Aunt Bea. Not in an effort to dox them, but just cause like what the actual f. so you think recording someone and putting it on the Internet is a more appropriate response to something you dont like than politely correcting the person? Valid point, there is an entire segment of people out there who would not register that they were causing someone to feel awkward and that was not a good thing. I think the worst thing is when people treat service workers as if they are not even human. Once my husband and I were talking to a contractor, a gentleman in his early 50s- about 10 years older than me, about some work on our house, and the man referred to me as Wifey I said It is LaDeeDa or Mrs. X. He said my name about 40 times over the next hour. This is incredibly sexist and disrespectful. Only good things can come from it. What part of my comment said any of that? Nor can you assume that they quietly disliked it. A bit offensive, perhaps, to those on the receiving end, like the OP. So-and-So, Id be inclined to believe him. You are correct. It may happen at a party. Because Janet has silver hair, obviously. Anything to discourage the trend is fine by me. "You'll find that you become a center of gravity for that person," Hussey said. Its gendered. Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. I actually had this happen (the young lady) from one of the workers at my local corner store (like very local, just in front of my side of my buildings parking lot local) whom I regularly chat with for a couple of minutes when I stop in. Your crush might call you boo to nudge you both in the direction you both want but are not saying. Because in some places and cultures, treating someone with politeness means to refer to the customer with a phrase like maam/sir or you (formal) or honorable customer (lit. Im not saying the OP is wrong to dislike the term, but when a service or retail job demands you use a subservient form of address for the customer, you have to use *something*. Sorry, politeness NEVER requires young lady. any place that provides customer service) doesnt make any problem encountered there a work problem. Seriously. Cancer patients are rarely in a place to complain about the way a cashier is speaking to them. Again, this is something that we dont always have conscious control over. The personal attack was a different comment further up, aimed at someone else, thats what Mellow was referring to. Is it some sort of retail training? Your crush may have asked a friend of yours, stalked your social media accounts, or they've been crushing on you long before you even realized that you're crushing on them. I am very familiar with the smile, nod, say well take that into consideration, and then never think about it again lol! Ive spent 34 years on the West Coast, and have never in my life stumbled across a single soul who considered it gendered. Not the OP, but yes. That is great. Asked for the manager. I actually prefer Maam by a wide margin but have been in conversations with service staff who were specifically told to call all women Miss because Maam was considered offensive. Id be fine with Miz as the pronounced version of Ms but nobody ever does that its always Miss and its always quite deliberate and its always annoying but not enough so to complain. I am not required to be a good little girl and just take my change and go home. Actually yeah. The person was out of line. A compliment is It is state law that I have to check someones ID if I believe they are under 35. and you dont think they are older than 35, yet their ID says 45. It took an hour to get our food. If your listener is perceptive, hell get your point, and if not, he can at least learn by rote memorization. It is not rude to correct people for using a sexist form of address. Im as woke as the next person, but this does strike me as a bit of an overreaction, particularly since it was directed at someone in sales who is just trying to chat up a customer to make a sale. Ive definitely experienced people asking for ID intending it as some weird form of flattery. What an odd way to refer to a grown woman. is a great response, especially said calmly and with a raised eyebrow. I had so much grief from older customers when I worked in retail, and often it was unnecessary. When someone feels comfortable around you, they are going to want you to feel comfortable around them. She lived to 103 and I hope I take after her. And people are invested in denying the microaggressions the inflicte are part ofdeath by a thousand paper cuts. This network of the brain is the social glue that binds people together. Im going to choose to do the latter. I was raised in the 1990s and had the same experience. This is probably the easiest and most direct way to know if your crush likes you too. (one of the bartenders explained that its not an age thing. One of the weirdest things that someone does if they genuinely like you is that they will point their feet towards you. If they are standing right there with you, you OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND ASK. This is exactly what I was trying to get at. If you havent heard of Relationship Hero before, its a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations. All the clap backs people are posting here sound funny and cool online, but in person? Its a way of minimizing us and making us easily dismissed. Something that doesnt automatically make the person out to be a jerk (when they didnt mean to be) and still gets them to think about it. ", "When someone likes you, you'll find that they're impressed by you," Hussey said. Again, I admit I dont like it, but I do just grin and bear it and try to remember that it is not meant as a sign of disrespect. Being told its not a compliment and maybe they should stop would be good feedback. This happens to my dad, too hes 83. Actually, in the original French, madame means adult woman who has reached an undefined but universally recognized age where she is too old to be called mademoiselle. Nothing to do with marital status. So we have folks in this thread saying miss is offensive, and others saying maam is offensive. Do you want to be constantly offended by trivialities or just be a happy person. Sure, but that doesnt mean you have to punish the person for it. You stiffed someone out of their income because you were annoyed at their choice of words? But given hes not called me that again, Im good. Similarly, being called young lady is a hill that I dont care to die on. 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